Do i need to get help?

well for years i have had depression, only this year i decided to reach out for help, for years ago i had depression, and throughout months of feeling suicidal i closed my emotions up, i used to talk to everyone, i realised i could be attention seeking and been a typical teenager and there maybe some other stuff but i closed off, i threw my beliefs of hating drugs away and started them, weed is the most drug i use, i also suffer from anxiety, the thing is i am not normal, i think im crazy (not dangerous), and i have trouble explaining what goes on in my head, i tend to think that doctors will think im a wanna be sick person so i look up stuff on the internet, but anyways i have recently been turned down by counsellors because i wont quit drugs (i didnt say i wouldent to them), but i do drugs because im scared of been sober, i mean i have a disabled dad who is constantly going down hill, and i have a past with mum too, my brother is a borderline alcholic, but when i reached out i had the knowledge and the paranoia, i feel like my brain and my body are separate, i feel i control my body and my brain is like the motherboard, the thing is i know my brains against me, and when i opened up to my dad (or tried) i hit a speedbump, i couldent get my words out without feeling the need of explaining every single point i made, i put this down to keeping all this locked up and since im a natural deep thinker i tend to live in my own head when alone, i isolated myself a few years back and enjoyed been alone better than having company, but i started to notice i was basically living in my own head, sitting alone, thinking and thinking.i noticed my depression and anxiety clashing, to get help for depression i get paranoid about talking to my doctor about it and my throat feels like it swells up and flemmy (this is permanat btw but worse when feeling anxious) i would normally sit back and just 'cope' on my own, but i never really coped, i just drifted through life with depression there got used to it you might say, but some time ago i notice it procceed to a different level and my suicdal thoughts came back, this time im not scared of dieing, i started to find it hard to hide my emotion from mates so i started making excuses for them not to come round since i dont like showing weakness, so i started to live in my own head more and more then got the feeling i was doing this about 99% of the time now, i have always been weird but this was because of my humour, basically i find crazy things funny that other people may view as 'sick'. Weeks ago i realised a complete change in my thoughts and how i feel, normally when i thought of suicide i would get 'edgey' but this time i was looking at killing myself and i was calm and it cheered my up, but even tho i was happy i still wanted to die, asif me thinking that im gonna commit suicide is the happy way out, i have had a strange feeling allot recently, when i am thinking of suicide i get the feeling to ring my mates and say bye to them. I dont want to seek proffetional help now because i have genrally started to belive its just a teenage thing, and i have put the way the doctors and cousellors reactions and worked out its not that serious but i still feel the same way, so i thought i am going to die, back to the body and brain thing, my body tells me that dying is the only happy option, but i dont want to hurt anyone, i feel if i die my dad will go downhill more and it makes me feel guilty having to open up to him, but my brain is making me feel anxious about opening up just in case i learn that i dont have serious depression and i will find it more hard to cope because i would belive im a weak person, and if this aint depression than this is normal and i dont want to live with this, all this and loads more goes through my head before i can speak to someone about anything, im always watching what i say and half of the time i say what my paranoia suggests instead of how i actually worded something, this is because i know i need help but i dont want to reveal some of my deepest thoughts in case i was crazy, so i say something else and i think back to stuff and realise i said the completely opisite to what i was actually trying to say, when im talking now its like my paranioa is rushing thoughts through my head delibratly making me forget the stuff im trying to say, i mean psyically forget like i just ran into a brick wall and the thought flew out of me, and thats why i beleive the cousellor said that i dont make sense and that i was intoxicated (when i actually wernt). but do you think i need help? is it only me who knows im serious?